I have terrible taste in men, in fact I think I purposely go for the ones I’m well aware I will never have any sort of actual proper relationship with. I do this out of fear, I’m terrified of commitment, of settling down with one person and becoming trapped in an unhappy relationship. The reason I’m scared is because I was in one for four-years with a man that made me give-up college, my friends, any sort of social life and then tried his best to knock down my self-confidence and filled my head with lies. That’s why I haven’t had a serious relationship since and I prefer just being by myself and not having to answer to anyone.
Still, being woken-up to the response ‘what the f are you doing here,’ and then getting moaned at for waking him up because I had the hiccups just proves I really do go for the wrong type of men.
This man in question I’ve liked for the last four-years. He has massive commitment issues, refuses to go out with me because I have a child (even though he has never even met him but spent three hours putting his bunk-bed up) and goes out every weekend even though he never remembers the events of the night, or where it is and who he’s with when he wakes-up.
So why do I still like him, why do I let him mess with my head even when all he usually is does is be rude to me? I’m pretty sure the answer is because I know nothing serious will ever happen between us and well it probably has something to also do with the fact I seem to like mean men. It’s also because I’ve seen the times when he isn’t being grumpy or rude but when we manage to talk about pointless rubbish for hours with ease.
Maybe the real reason I like him is because we are both afraid and neither of us are truly sure what of. We are both quiet and drink to give us confidence and we both know way too much about geeky things no one else understands or cares about. We wind each other up and we’ve both done things to hurt each other yet he knows things about me very few others do and I know things about him.
So when he wakes me up being rude it comes as no shock to me, in fact I’d think there was something wrong if he woke me up being nice. People might think I’m daft for still liking him and for putting up with it but right now that’s where my head is at. One day I might find someone who I’m willing to risk my commitment issues for but right now I’ll stick to liking mean men.